Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"


Friday, February 15, 2008

ugly jokes

You sooooo ugly, that when you wear a turtle neck, your head looks like a busted condom
you so ugly you made a blind kid cry
ur ears r so big......u probably heard the sun come up
Yo momma’s so ugly, her vibrator turned limp!
your momma is ugly she threw a bommerrag and it didn’t come back.
you so ugly , your dog humps your leg, with his eyes closed.
You so ugly that your mom had to feed you with a sling shot when you were little
You’re so ugly, your reflection looks away.
You’re so ugly, they confuse you with your mom

What should they say?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"


Bumper stickers

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Louisiana Tourist Attraction

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."


a blonde joke

>A blonde and her husband are lying in bed> listening to the next door neighbor's dog.> It has been in the backyard> barking for hours and hours.>> The blonde jumps up out of bed> and says "I've had enough of this,"> and she goes downstairs.>> The blonde finally comes back up to bed> and her husband says> "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"> The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard,> let's see how THEY like it!"


Saturday, February 9, 2008

grumpy old man

an older guy is trying to get his young wife pregant, so he goes to the doctor to get a sperm count. the doc gives him a cup and a lid and tells him to go home and fill it. the next day he goes back to the doctors office and gives him a empty cup, the doctor asked him why is the cup empty? the old man said i'd tried with my left hand, my right hand. my wife tried with her left hand, her right hand and even her mouth. my wife's friend even tried. so the doctor said what is the probelm, the old man replies, we could'nt get the lid off the cup.