Top 5 Money Jokes (one liners)

1: Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?

A: Let's get together and make some cents.

2: Q: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they?

A: A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn't a nickel.

3: Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?

A: The lottery.

4: Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson $3 million?

A: To change his name to Apple Juice.

5: Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide and thrills women?

A: Money.

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Idiot Quotes

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

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The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

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Cure for a Cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him—he's afraid to cough!"

Kiss on a Train

There is a handsome young man, a beautiful young girl, the young girl's mother, an army general and a lowly private on board a train. The ride has been going on for about half an hour, and they've all politely been glancing about at each other.

The train then went into a tunnel, a kissing sound was heard, and there was a slap. During this, the mother was thinking: "That boy has been eyeing my daughter, and now he kissed her, and my daughter slapped him. Good for her!" The daughter was thinking: "That handsome boy meant to kiss me, but kissed my mother instead, and she slapped him!" The handsome guy was thinking: "That general kissed that girl's mother, and she slapped him. I would've too, he's pretty ugly!" The General was thinking: "That handsome boy kissed that beautiful girl, and I was accidentally slapped by the beautiful girl. Ouch, that's going to leave a mark." And the lowly private thought: "Whoah, I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the boss. I love trains."

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One line dog jokes

Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!

Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!

Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!

Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!

Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!

Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favourite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet.

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ugly jokes

You sooooo ugly, that when you wear a turtle neck, your head looks like a busted condom
you so ugly you made a blind kid cry
ur ears r so big......u probably heard the sun come up
Yo momma’s so ugly, her vibrator turned limp!
your momma is ugly she threw a bommerrag and it didn’t come back.
you so ugly , your dog humps your leg, with his eyes closed.
You so ugly that your mom had to feed you with a sling shot when you were little
You’re so ugly, your reflection looks away.
You’re so ugly, they confuse you with your mom

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Bumper stickers

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

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Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

Jeff Dunham comedy clip (Achmed the dead terrorist)

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