A Complament

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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Satan Joke

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."


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Iraqi Redwing's New Hockey Player

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young 
Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league,and is suitably 
impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US . 

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid 
joins the team for the preseason. 

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 
minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes 
in.

 The kid is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the 
game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are 
delighted, and the media love the new star. 

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about 
his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an 
Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I 
scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, 
they all love me." 

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your
father 
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, 
raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and 
all while you were having such great time." 
 
The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so
sorry." 

"Sorry?  You should be sorry!" says his mom, "It's your
fault we 
moved to Detroit in the first place!"

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Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

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Tooth Pulling

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."


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Trouble sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a insomaniac.""I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.""That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

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A blond joke but its a guy

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

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Bush Goes To Hell

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

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Cop catches 25 pot heads

Video of giggling college students watching a cop catch 25 pot heads.

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CHEEK THE MAIL

As I was mowing my lawn I noticed my neighbor cheek her mailbox about 5 minutes later she comes out again and cheeks her mail and then 5 minutes latter she comes out and cheeks it again so I asked her if she was expecting mail she replies no but my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail.

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Once upon A cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunatly, the saloon’s regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink he went out to his horse. Not to his suprise his horse wasnt there. He went back in, handily flipped his gun in the air, caught it, and shouted loudly, "All right, I’m gonna get another drink, and by the time I go back out, I want my horse to be there or I’m gonna be forced to do what I did in Texas!" The cowboy, true to his word, had a beer and walked outside to find that his horse was there. The bartender walked out with him and said tenativley, "Say, partner. Before you go, can I ask what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned and said, "I had to walk home."

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The big five-O

A wife was thinking about what to buy her husband after 25 years of marriage for his birthday,after all he had everything. So she decided to get a tattoo of BRIDGIT BARDO tattooed on her butt cheeks. A b on each check. So after a great dinner a couple of drinks, he went upstairs to find his wife waiting for him, she said she had a special gift for him, so she took her pants down and bent over and showed him the tattoo, with anger he said WHO THE HELL IS BOB.

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blond and dumb

She is blond and she is dumb.

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