GIGGLES R US

Bar Joke

2009-09-10T18:28:00.000-07:00

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

Redneck Couple

2009-08-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

Half dressed redneck couple sitting on couch watching news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. Right, Darlin'" The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."

Top 5 Money Jokes (one liners)

2009-08-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

1: Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?

A: Let's get together and make some cents.

2: Q: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they?

A: A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn't a nickel.

3: Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?

A: The lottery.

4: Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson $3 million?

A: To change his name to Apple Juice.

5: Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide and thrills women?

A: Money.

Dirty Sperm Joke

2009-08-06T12:21:00.000-07:00

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I dont care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

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Witty Joke

2009-08-05T12:12:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

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A Complament

2009-08-04T12:08:00.000-07:00

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

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The FIve Stages Of A Drunk

2009-07-23T23:06:00.000-07:00

Stage #1 -- Smart

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You
know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who
will listen.  At this stage you are also always right.  And of course
the person you are talking with is very wrong.  You will talk for
hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are "smart".  Two people talking,
in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything
about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the
subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to
listen in.

Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
the entire room and everyone is looking at you.  You begin to wink at
perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been
admiring you the whole evening.  You are the center of attention, and all
eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
face of the earth.  Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
under the sun.

Stage #3 -- Rich

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can
also make bets in this stage.  Now of course you still know all, so you
will always win all your bets.  And you have no concern for how much
money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also
begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you
because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the
face of the earth.

Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to
the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self
all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no
worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all
the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might
erupt if he looses.

Stage #5  -- Invisible

This is the final stage of drunkenness.  At this point you can do
absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance
on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people
who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people
in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom
you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through
the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are
still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything
of it because they can't see you.  All your social inhibitions are
gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

And you certainly won't remember !

Idiot Quotes

2009-07-20T03:10:00.000-07:00

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Satan Joke

2009-07-18T23:40:00.000-07:00

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Bar Joke

2009-07-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

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Iraqi Redwing's New Hockey Player

2008-11-25T22:23:00.000-08:00

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young 
Iraqi play hockey in the new American sponsored league,and is suitably 
impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US . 

Ken Holland signs him to a one year contract and the kid 
joins the team for the preseason. 

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 
minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes 
in.

 The kid is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the 
game for the Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are 
delighted, and the media love the new star. 

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about 
his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an 
Iraqi accent. "I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4-0 down, but I 
scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, 
they all love me." 

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your
father 
got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, 
raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and 
all while you were having such great time." 
 
The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so
sorry." 

"Sorry?  You should be sorry!" says his mom, "It's your
fault we 
moved to Detroit in the first place!"

NEXT

Typewriter

2008-10-06T00:01:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter. One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter". The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Gambler

2008-10-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.

After Little Johnny’s first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, “I think I broke his gambling”. The father asked how and she said, “He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.”

“DAMN!” said the father.
“What’s wrong?”, the teacher asked.

Little Johnny’s father said, “This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher’s butt before the day was over!”

Who Is Listening

2008-10-04T12:01:00.000-07:00

During the first year of marriage, the husband speaks and the wife hears.

During the second year, the wife speaks and the husband hears.

During the third year both of them speak, but only the neighbours hear.

Southern Piece

2008-10-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.

Marriage's Advantage

2008-10-02T12:59:00.000-07:00

Marriage means that someone helps you coping with all the problems you never had when you were a bachelor.

Computer Gender

2008-09-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language. He noted how hurricanes at one time were given only female names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as &quotshe." One of the students raised her hand and asked, &quotWhat gender is a computer?"
The teacher wasn't certain. So he divided the class into two groups: males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendations.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to as masculine because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to as feminine because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The Vow of Celebracy

2008-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven where he's met by a reception committee of angels. After a whirlwind tour, The Pope is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages.

After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original handwritten script.

The angel librarian hears a loud scream, and goes running toward its source only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, shaking and crying.

"The R! They left out the R!"

"What do you mean?" the angel librarian asks.

After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Glazed Over

2008-09-27T20:26:00.001-07:00

A cop pulls over a guy.

"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"

"Gee, officer," the man says. "Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"

NEXT

Drinking Politics

2008-09-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Tooth Pulling

2008-09-13T23:23:00.000-07:00

A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

NEXT

Trouble sleeping

2008-08-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a insomaniac.""I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.""That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A blond joke but its a guy

2008-08-15T22:47:00.000-07:00

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

NEXT

Ten years on a deserted island

2008-08-08T17:18:00.000-07:00

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some real fun?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Comical

2008-07-30T22:35:00.000-07:00

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie

2008-07-11T16:19:00.000-07:00

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

Cure for a Cough

2008-06-21T11:29:00.000-07:00

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him—he's afraid to cough!"

Kiss on a Train

There is a handsome young man, a beautiful young girl, the young girl's mother, an army general and a lowly private on board a train. The ride has been going on for about half an hour, and they've all politely been glancing about at each other.

The train then went into a tunnel, a kissing sound was heard, and there was a slap. During this, the mother was thinking: "That boy has been eyeing my daughter, and now he kissed her, and my daughter slapped him. Good for her!" The daughter was thinking: "That handsome boy meant to kiss me, but kissed my mother instead, and she slapped him!" The handsome guy was thinking: "That general kissed that girl's mother, and she slapped him. I would've too, he's pretty ugly!" The General was thinking: "That handsome boy kissed that beautiful girl, and I was accidentally slapped by the beautiful girl. Ouch, that's going to leave a mark." And the lowly private thought: "Whoah, I kiss the back of my hand and get to hit the boss. I love trains."

Surrogate Father

2008-06-04T15:48:00.000-07:00

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale."Good morning, madam. I've come to....""Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in."Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies""That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?""Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me""Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results""My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith."Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" "Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures."This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London""Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with""She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith."Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look""Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement."Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?""That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.""Tripod?????""Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Bush Goes To Hell

2008-05-05T15:20:00.000-07:00

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

Meet You in Heaven

2008-04-14T22:02:00.000-07:00

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her — “Hello” “How are you! We’ve been waiting for you!” “Good to see you”.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, Saint Peter told her.

“Which word?”, the woman asked.

“Love.”

The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

“I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?” “Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?”

“You have to spell a word”, the woman told him.

“Which word?”, her husband asked.

“Czechoslovakia.”

JOKE

2008-03-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

NEXT

hoohoo

2008-03-15T11:57:00.000-07:00

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the attending Nurse, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo. 3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring

NEXT

Cop catches 25 pot heads

2008-03-11T17:50:00.001-07:00

Video of giggling college students watching a cop catch 25 pot heads.

Revenge By Gunshot

2008-03-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

A distraught young blond woman suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. In a fit of anger she drives to a local pawn shop and buys a gun.

She shows up at his apartment unexpectedly, slams opens the door, and sure enough he’s naked in the arms of a beautiful redhead.

This angers her, she is furious and can no longer control her emotions. The blond opens her purse and pulls out the .38 handgun she bought earlier. As she takes aim, grief overcomes here and she points the gun at her own head.

“No, honey, don’t do it!” yells the boyfriend.

“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”

all so read grumpy old men and blond drivers

One line dog jokes

2008-03-07T15:42:00.000-08:00

Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!

Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!

Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!

Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!

Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!

Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!

Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!

Q: Why didn't the dog speak to his foot?
A: Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw!

Q: What is the dogs favourite city?
A: New Yorkie!

Q: Who is the dogs favourite comedian?
A: Growlcho Marx!

Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers?
A: Because they have two left feet.

Three Nuns

2008-03-01T13:31:00.000-08:00

Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

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Poor Old Man

2008-02-19T10:20:00.000-08:00

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

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ugly jokes

2008-02-15T18:24:00.000-08:00

You sooooo ugly, that when you wear a turtle neck, your head looks like a busted condom
you so ugly you made a blind kid cry
ur ears r so big......u probably heard the sun come up
Yo momma’s so ugly, her vibrator turned limp!
your momma is ugly she threw a bommerrag and it didn’t come back.
you so ugly , your dog humps your leg, with his eyes closed.
You so ugly that your mom had to feed you with a sling shot when you were little
You’re so ugly, your reflection looks away.
You’re so ugly, they confuse you with your mom

What should they say?

2008-02-15T16:27:00.000-08:00

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

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Bumper stickers

2008-02-15T16:15:00.000-08:00

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

Louisiana Tourist Attraction

2008-02-14T17:16:00.000-08:00

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg."

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a blonde joke

2008-02-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

>A blonde and her husband are lying in bed> listening to the next door neighbor's dog.> It has been in the backyard> barking for hours and hours.>> The blonde jumps up out of bed> and says "I've had enough of this,"> and she goes downstairs.>> The blonde finally comes back up to bed> and her husband says> "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"> The blonde says "I put the dog in our backyard,> let's see how THEY like it!"

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grumpy old man

2008-02-09T20:34:00.000-08:00

an older guy is trying to get his young wife pregant, so he goes to the doctor to get a sperm count. the doc gives him a cup and a lid and tells him to go home and fill it. the next day he goes back to the doctors office and gives him a empty cup, the doctor asked him why is the cup empty? the old man said i'd tried with my left hand, my right hand. my wife tried with her left hand, her right hand and even her mouth. my wife's friend even tried. so the doctor said what is the probelm, the old man replies, we could'nt get the lid off the cup.

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happy b-day hunny

2008-01-30T23:35:00.000-08:00

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

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2008-01-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.

Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

drinking & driving

2008-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

I was driving home from the bar the other day and was pulled over by the police, the cop walked up to my car and asked me if i had been drinking ? I said why is there a fat ugly girl in the back seat.

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blonde drivers

2008-01-26T19:05:00.000-08:00

a blonde lady is driving to chicago, she see's a sign that say's chicago left, so she turned around and went home.

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CHEEK THE MAIL

2008-01-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

As I was mowing my lawn I noticed my neighbor cheek her mailbox about 5 minutes later she comes out again and cheeks her mail and then 5 minutes latter she comes out and cheeks it again so I asked her if she was expecting mail she replies no but my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail.

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Once upon A cowboy

2008-01-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunatly, the saloon’s regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished his drink he went out to his horse. Not to his suprise his horse wasnt there. He went back in, handily flipped his gun in the air, caught it, and shouted loudly, "All right, I’m gonna get another drink, and by the time I go back out, I want my horse to be there or I’m gonna be forced to do what I did in Texas!" The cowboy, true to his word, had a beer and walked outside to find that his horse was there. The bartender walked out with him and said tenativley, "Say, partner. Before you go, can I ask what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned and said, "I had to walk home."

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A true story

2008-01-20T17:12:00.000-08:00

My cosine and I took a tape recorder and left the first 30 seconds blank for as long as I could, I made A long farting noise with my mouth as soon as I finished my cosine started making his farting sound so it sounded like one long fart. My parents were sleeping and we put the recorder under there bed and pressed play, witch gave us thirty seconds to sneak back out. As we listened from the hallway after so long my mom called out in disgust GOERGE!!!!.

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The big five-O

2008-01-19T21:09:00.000-08:00

A wife was thinking about what to buy her husband after 25 years of marriage for his birthday,after all he had everything. So she decided to get a tattoo of BRIDGIT BARDO tattooed on her butt cheeks. A b on each check. So after a great dinner a couple of drinks, he went upstairs to find his wife waiting for him, she said she had a special gift for him, so she took her pants down and bent over and showed him the tattoo, with anger he said WHO THE HELL IS BOB.

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SILENT BUT DEADLY

2008-01-19T11:05:00.000-08:00

So this elderly couple is sitting in church and the wife whispers to the husband "Hun I just left an awful silent fart what should I do?" And the husband replies "Well the first thing you should do is check the battery in your hearing aid"

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Mickael jackson

2008-01-17T18:33:00.000-08:00

Why does Mickael Jackson like twenty seven year old's?

(answer)
There's twenty of them....

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blond and dumb

2008-01-17T18:30:00.000-08:00

She is blond and she is dumb.

"Boemerang": Erik Hartman laughs at his guests. Subtitled.

2008-01-17T18:11:00.000-08:00

This guy can´t stop laughing at his guest´s voice. To make things worse, there are two strange voices in his talk show.
That laughter cost him his career, and he will remember for ever this "blooper".

Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist

2008-01-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

Jeff Dunham comedy clip (Achmed the dead terrorist)

LIGHT SLEEPER

2008-01-17T16:28:00.000-08:00

Whats the difference between A light sleeper and A hard sleeper?

(Answer)

A light sleeper sleeps with the light on..........

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HANG TIME

2008-01-17T16:02:00.000-08:00

a girl goes to a doctor for a check up just after having sex for the first time and asked her doctor what was that hanging from between his legs? the doctor replied that is his penis. then the girl asked what was that knob at the top of his penis? the doctor replied that is the head of the penis. then the girl asked what was those two things hanging 12'' to 14'' below ? the doctor answered, i don't know about your boy friend, but for me it's my butt cheeks.

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